Things that went wrong on Thanksgiving

Although I followed the directions, the turkey was not cooked in the middle;

Paula Deen’s potatoes would simply not mash (my mother said I should have relied on Mark Bittman instead, which is true, especially given that I have met him and supplied the rest of the family with HTCE);

The stuffing tasted good but didn’t hold together;

The sourdough bread was delicious but was frozen in the middle (I blame this on Wholefoods because again I followed the directions);

The salad was wilted (luckily, no one seemed interested in salad);

The items my mother prepared – her special spinach and sour cream apple pie – were delicious.

I made the first fire in my fireplace and it set off the smoke detector – and the home security system! (yes, I should have waited until the chimney man came to look at the flue; now I know it really does need that missing lever);

I swear I used every plate and every pot in the house, which was a problem because

The brand new disposal resented all the potato peelings and sent them back up the other side of the sink - every time I ran it or used the dishwasher;

The rod in the coat closet (a nice wooden one) broke due to the weight of the coats;

There was more, but these are the highlights.

Luckily, my parents are the opposite of critical, and didn't even complain about the frigid house.